Update

Things are all mixed up and messed up.

Idk about anything anymore.

Pretty sure i've fallen into a depression of some sort.

Good. Maybe i'll stop eating.

Although i haven't been eating much at all.

Which doesn't really matter at all, cause it's still eating.

Fatass.

Well I guess i'm done with this one.

Sooooo it's been forever.

But i just haven't had anything to write lately. I mean sure, there's a shitload going on in my life right now, i just don't have any words to put down though. That all kinda changed today though, it took me falling and scraping my knee up for me to finally break down and feel like i've had enough of everyfuckingthing. Now i'm just down right pissed off at my pathetic little life && my incapability of succeeding in something. Likeeeeee, how about my fucking eating habits? Oh yes, won't those just be a joy to talk about. It shouldn't surprise anyone ( if anyone fucking reads this in the first place ) that the only change that's been made is that i probably eat MORE rather than less. && what's that accomplishing? nothing. well except for the fact that i've probably gained about 500 MORE pounds and added yet ANOTHER roll to my disgustingly piggy body. Jesus christ. I'm sure all you lovely little stick thin girls are sitting there wondering " then why don't you do anything about it rather than just sitting there complaining to nobody in particular " well you know what i say to you? fuck you. :) kay? You make it look so fucking easy. counting this and throwing up that. Yeah if only we all had that kind of strength and willpower, wouldn't we all just be beautyfuckingful. Yeah. I'm done with this post.

This is ridiculous.

If it was possible to just QUIT life, i so would. That makes me sounds really awful and pathetic, but i dont even care right now. I hate my fucking boss. I hope she gets ran over. You'd say the same if you had to work with her up your ass all the time constantly nitpicking when i do everything right. Fuck her. I guess this blog is just pretty much just to vent. Hope you don't mind. Im sure nobody reads them anyways. So that's whatever. I can't stop eating. But that's nothing new i guess. Stupid fuckin food. I swear to god nothing works. I try to fast and i just cave in. Weak much? How fucking PATHETIC is that? Extremly. You know what's even better. Im sitting here eating cottage cheese and chips while typing this. That takes skills for a fat ass. My god i deserve to be SHOT. It would be MAGNIFICENT if someone could give me some god damned advice. But nooooo. I'm left to fight this fucking battle by myself. Ive had a bad day...is it at all obvious?


later.

I Can't Do This.

Everything is so fucking hard lately. Food is damn near an addiction. Maybe it always has been? I don't know but i just want to keep it away from me, out of me. I'm embarassed when i meet someone knew and they see how ridiculously overweight i am. I'm embarassed not only for myself, but for them too. I'll refrain from looking them in the eyes so i don't see their reactions. It's probably best for both.

Things are falling apart. Every aspect of my life pretty much.
I guess i'll just fucking work 7 days a week so i don't feel the need to sit at home and eat and feel melancholy all day.

This is what my life has come to. How exciting. So much to look forward to right?
No!

I will never be able to do this. I was losing weight for a while there. But now i need the assistance of supplements and more abuse to myself. Jesus christ i'm never going to get there.

help?

Ugh

Sooooooo it seems this blogging is a total bust. I was hoping to gain some opinions maybe somebody,anybody, who knew what i was talking about and maybe how i felt.

How stupid was i to think that?

Anyways i guess i'll blog anyways. Fuck it :)

Things have been okayyyyyy i suppose.
Ive been doing nothing but working and waiting impatiently for my trip to Boston.
Damn i'm ready to be there already, i could damn near jump on a plane and go by myself.

but noooooo. things have to be done right. Whateverrr.

I do believe i've lost some weight. It seems my disgusting gut doesnt sag as much and that's always something to smile about :)

I thinkkkkk that if i just keep letting this battle rage inside my head, && if i keep abusing myself mentally and physically, I'll be okay.

Thanks for reading. If anyone did :)


Byeeee <3

ABC

Thanks to Kat.
I've decided to go ahead and try the ana bootcamp. hence the ABC >>> :)

I feel really confident about it, && im hoping i'll be able to do it, i'm just going to have to start marking down what i eat, and what im taking in each time.

Laziness isnt an option. If im going to lose weight and see my hipbones sooner than later, i need to do this.

:)
Byeeeee


Oh yeah && here's how it works :)


1:500 calories
2:500 calories
3:300 calories
4:400 calories
5:100 calories
6:200 calories
7:300 calories
8:400 calories
9:500 calories
10:fast
11:150 calories
12:200 calories
13:400 calories
14:350 calories
15:250 calories
16:200 calories
17:fast
18:200 calories
19:100 calories
20:fast
21:300 calories
22:250 calories
23:200 calories
24:150 calories
25:100 calories
26:50 calories
27:100 calories
28:200 calories
29:200 calories
30:300 calories
31:800 calories
32:fast
33:250 calories
34:350 calories
35:450 calories
36:fast
37:500 calories
38:450 calories
39:400 calories
40:350 calories
41:300 calories
42:250 calories
43:200 calories
44:200 calories
45:250 calories
46:200 calories
47:300 calories
48:200 calories
49:150 comments
50:fast

Ana will fill the void?

Soooo I'm kinda blogging a little sooner than i expected. But that's only because things have kind of been going downhill lately.

I might of said before that being mean to myself about what i eat, was pretty much the only way to stop myself. So ive been pretty abusive to myself lately, and heyyyy, its working :)

So instead of eating when things go downhill, i wont eat, ill sleep, && ill exercise.

So far so good :)

Its like 95 degrees here and i put on a pair of sweats a zip up and got on my bike and took a long bike ride, i felt really great afterwards, other than being super hot i mean.

I motivated myself to get out of bed and fucking exercise:)
&& what's even better, is that my stomach is EMPTY so im sure i burned calories that i didnt even need to burn.

Go Chels :)